I moved away not knowing what life would have in store for me, but I was optimistic for nothing short of a great college experience. I left thinking I knew who I was, as I've always been confident in my identity. Little did I know, life had so much more in store for me & I hadn't even become the person I'm meant to be, yet.
My entire life I had always been confident in my actions, which I felt didn't always match up to what others' did. I took pride in being different, by just being myself. Now that I've become aware of them, I realize that there were all of these social constructs that surrounded us and still do--telling us how to live, what to wear, what to eat, what it means to be "cool", trying to mold our identity into a normalized state, discouraging us from being who we truly are. Ultimately, I had to lose myself and everything I thought I was in order to find the meaning for my life. Thankfully I had a few people who catalyzed growth and curiosity within me, and opened my mind to perspectives and a higher levels of consciousness that were never once there. Although where I am now is filled with peace and acceptance, that wasn't always the case.
There have been pivotal points in my life that were filled with fear, sadness, anger--many emotions that I didn't enjoy feeling, but I felt like I had no control over them. They were controlling me, but only because I was allowing them to. These feelings were so different from what I was used to feeling. Where there was once happiness, joy, love, and confidence---laid the opposite. Today walking on the beach, seeing hundreds of people laughing and full of life, I couldn't help but feel so much love and good energy around me...I was listening to music and walking observing everything around me, from the flocking birds in the air down to the toddlers building sand castles, this is what life is...all of the little things that don't make noise.
For the longest time I had thought life was about going through the motions and dealing with things as they came. But after searching and learning from every single experience, I realized that everything I was doing felt robotic, and that there had to be more to life than this constructed world we live in. I began questioning the 'normal' things, like the activities we partake in, the food we feed ourselves, the things we are entertained by, the clothes we buy, the way we treat and judge people based off of insignificant factors, etc. None of it made sense, and all of it served nothing but temporary and illusionary self-fulfillment.
After awhile, I was beginning to find answers and signs that were significant and necessary for my growth. I learned that life isn't a destination, it's a process, a journey. A journey, that you create and decide what you want to manifest. I wanted to know everything, but I now know that I didn't need to understand, I just needed to accept. What I learned to accept is that hard times are gonna happen. I overcame situations I thought would once keep me from being complete, or from finding happiness. I found myself wondering and wanting answers, explanations, closure, understanding. I had then realized that there was no such thing. Everything that I'd ever experienced was meaningless, until I decided what that meaning was.
I began seeing synchronicities everywhere and meeting people that kept elevating me for the better. Throughout the past three and a half years, I isolated myself for the sole purpose of really finding myself, and figuring out what that phrase meant. I made a promise to myself to find my meaning and help others do the same along the way. I didn't expect anybody to understand, and a lot of people didn't. I lost a handful of friends, some of them by choice, some of them not. Nothing was personal, but it was all about elevating myself and surrounding myself with like-minded people and friends who accepted my honesty and who truly understood me. It was time for me to be selfish. Something we all need to be when it comes to our growth and well-being.
I no longer accepted that life just "happened" to me, I decided to face my fears and master my mind, body and spirit in the best way that I knew how. I was thirsty for knowledge and peace. I also became more aware that all of these are the silent truths in life. Meaning, these are the only authentic things that go on, things that nobody likes to talk about because it's "weird" or "uncomfortable." But I didn't care about that, after awhile I started paying attention to nothing, but those three parts of me. I began living in my mind and started observing everything around me, my experiences, my emotions, my thoughts, all of it. The things that teach us about who we are, that nobody ever tells us to pay attention to. I began to find the things that made me feel at peace. Meditation is and will always play a vital role in my growth, along with reading, writing, creative expression, yoga, fitness, anything that brought me to my natural state without any distraction. These are the things I live for. It's sometimes difficult to remember that the present is all that we need to focus on, but that is my daily mantra that reminds me of who I am again, or perhaps of who I'm not. Life isn't about attaching yourself to things or people, but instead detaching and unbecoming who you once thought you were. Don't limit yourself with boundaries or labels, you are limitless, we all are. We just need someone to remind us. Give meaning to your journey because at the end of the day, you get to decide.
Very helpful!
ReplyDeleteWe tend to loose sight of ourselves when we focus on others.